The Couch People / by Rebecca Gitomer

It is at this point in the story that I would like to extend my endorsement of Miller as leader of the couch people.


Who are the couch people you ask? The short answer is that it is a particularly lazy tribe of boy. One defined primarily by inactivity, the obsession with taking a seat, or perhaps even a full body extension over three bacteria-filled cushions all at once. The vacancy of a cushion satisfying the only triumph Miller needs in a day. He doesn’t think it’s too much to ask for either. Miller finds beauty, but mostly convenience, in the same empty couch where I can never un-see the years of piled unsanitary abuse. The mixture of multicolored stains and frayed patches a welcoming combination for Miller and the next however many hours of his life, interrupted just briefly here and there where one can only hope he slips in a shower.


Yes, I do think it is safe to mark Miller the couch chairman, king of the couch people. No other boy can truly match Miller’s dedication as it would require the narrowing of practically all priorities to those that could be accomplished through, well, sitting. Believe what you will, but a lot of the other boys care about their academic successes, forcing some obligatory time on campus and away from the temptations harbored inside the house. It isn’t his lack of intelligence, but simply an overwhelming laziness [2] that separates Miller from his sometimes overachieving friends. Miller is certainly smart, as are all of the boys, but he would rather submit to the couch than his increasingly overdue papers.


Of course, don’t let this fool you into thinking this is a tribe of one. In fact, at practically any time of the day you can find a sizeable posse of overly-tired and overly-high degenerates, cocooned into the natural curve of their favorite furniture. Even Brent, the most sports-obsessed boy in the house, is a couch person. So much of the boys’ routine compliments these extended stretches [3]


Heck, even I am guilty of promoting such sitting activities.


[2] From which he is too lazy to remove himself.

[3] By this of course I am exclusively referring to stretch as a measure of time; you can bet your ass there was no physical stretching happening amongst the couch folk. Miller hardly walked at this point.